Know your name

Is it much easier to fall in love when you’re younger?
The person I am now has experienced so much more from humans than my younger self. I am more aware now of what humans are capable of, more aware of what maturity looks like, more aware of what painful love feels like and how unhealthy that love can be. Growing to recognize what I want from a partner has also meant learning what I don’t want from one; I find that with age that often means cutting ties with men easily. I have to wonder if younger me would have ignored qualities or feelings that today me runs from? Would younger me have stayed and loved these men? Loved too hard and for too long?
Younger me was not nearly as strong and self aware as the me I am today. I stand by my relationship choices. I stand by the woman I have become. How funny it is though, to think on what younger me would have done.

The main thought to all of these accompanied thoughts is that I am much pickier about who I love or think I could love these days. I am more selective with the men I choose let into in my life. I dismiss people for the smallest reasons. I look at the long term and while I can enjoy a fun short term it will be just that –short. I don’t think this is a negative quality to have but I do think it tends to be a lonelier one, which is okay.

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How important is sex really?

There are a million things that can make or break any relationship- my thoughts today revolve around sex and how much weight it should carry in a relationship. I suppose this varies from person to person and couple to couple as with anything but as far as I am concerned having a healthy and fulfilling sex life is a key component to a happy relationship. My last serious relationship ended last May and a part of it’s demise had to do with a lack of sex – mind you I stayed and waited in hopes that things would improve and was open about my needs (once a month if that was not enough), things only got worse with frustrations and created pressure leading to us ultimately realizing we wanted different things for our futures. Fast forward to now- I’ve been seeing someone casually for a few months, not exclusively however this past month or so I have not seen anyone else. I know he is not seeing other people and therefor I feel somewhat inclined to reciprocate and I don’t particularly feel the want to seek out something else. I quite like this man, we have a great time together but I would be hesitant to date more seriously for a few reasons- one main reason being that our sex life is seriously lacking. I think I can speak for the majority when I say that in the early months of dating someone new sex is frequent and fun and exciting. Getting to explore each other’s bodies and the feeling that you can’t keep your hands off one another is one of the best things about starting a new relationship. Last night after being offered a very welcome and appreciated massage involving a bit of groping and grinding I was left wanting to escalate the situation. My attempts were fruitless and I decided to finally mention that I would like a more active sex life (the past dozen times we have spent the evening together we have had sex once …and that was after I made a point to say I wanted it and it was somewhat of a struggle). It’s made clear that I arouse him yet nothing is ever acted on- he had no real explanation other than “this is just how I am”. So I am now left to decide if I am being too hasty if I call it quits or if I am going to wait and undoubtedly feel things are lacking between us   … or not- maybe sex isn’t that important.

-BUT IT IS
bleck

Recycled love

You know how after you’ve dated someone for awhile, time passes and you realize so much of what you had in your relationship was recycled? Fragments of other lovers. All their moves, their moments and so many of yours were the accumulation of lessons and tricks learned from your past. Songs you sing, words you use, the way you fuck, food you eat… so much is just recycled love. It’s funny to realize something you thought was special or just “the two of yours” was so much less than that. One of my exes even reuses the nickname he gave me but replaces my name with hers, how can love seem so special and yet so interchangeable? I don’t say this because I have any hard feelings, I say this simply because love can just be so faded and so depressing at times. Realizing that our relationships and future relationships are never quite “new”, never that special is somehow oddly comforting. I’ve yet to find a person who fits together with me fully, who I love in a way that won’t grow tired but when I do I can promise that the shoes we will wear will start out with holes. Don’t take anything personally.