A fresh cup of coffee, a steady breeze through an open window, the lingering smell of incense throughout my house, paint stuck to my skin, and a perfect playlist to accompany my morning.
The air outside smells like spring and watching my dog get on his hind legs to look out the window at the birds playing in the trees is the cutest.
I think I underestimate how calming it is for me to paint. I rolled out of bed this morning and went straight into painting, I made a new playlist compiled of songs I felt I needed to reflect on and with thought in mind I gave up a bit of a ghost.
I want to delve more into my waking thoughts this morning but everything feels so perfect I don’t know that I want to open that box. I feel very full of love today. I want to share my love and express it to my friends and family. So thankful.
Poetry is needed.
I’m holding back
For being a very affectionate doting girl I realized today that I’m quite uncomfortable with affectionate contact from others whom I’m not romantically interested in or involved with. Family, friends, acquaintances … a hug hello or goodbye is about as touchy as I enjoy getting. What the fuck does that say about me?
There are a million things that can make or break any relationship- my thoughts today revolve around sex and how much weight it should carry in a relationship. I suppose this varies from person to person and couple to couple as with anything but as far as I am concerned having a healthy and fulfilling sex life is a key component to a happy relationship. My last serious relationship ended last May and a part of it’s demise had to do with a lack of sex – mind you I stayed and waited in hopes that things would improve and was open about my needs (once a month if that was not enough), things only got worse with frustrations and created pressure leading to us ultimately realizing we wanted different things for our futures. Fast forward to now- I’ve been seeing someone casually for a few months, not exclusively however this past month or so I have not seen anyone else. I know he is not seeing other people and therefor I feel somewhat inclined to reciprocate and I don’t particularly feel the want to seek out something else. I quite like this man, we have a great time together but I would be hesitant to date more seriously for a few reasons- one main reason being that our sex life is seriously lacking. I think I can speak for the majority when I say that in the early months of dating someone new sex is frequent and fun and exciting. Getting to explore each other’s bodies and the feeling that you can’t keep your hands off one another is one of the best things about starting a new relationship. Last night after being offered a very welcome and appreciated massage involving a bit of groping and grinding I was left wanting to escalate the situation. My attempts were fruitless and I decided to finally mention that I would like a more active sex life (the past dozen times we have spent the evening together we have had sex once …and that was after I made a point to say I wanted it and it was somewhat of a struggle). It’s made clear that I arouse him yet nothing is ever acted on- he had no real explanation other than “this is just how I am”. So I am now left to decide if I am being too hasty if I call it quits or if I am going to wait and undoubtedly feel things are lacking between us … or not- maybe sex isn’t that important.
-BUT IT IS
I’m a firm believer in stopping to smell the roses …but more so the daphne. Tying lovely scents to what will by lovely memories all month.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with a good friend primarily about my dating life. He and another good friend of mine were apparently chatting the other day about how much I date- that I “date more than anyone else they know”. I’m not quite sure what sparked this conversation or where slightly drunk Erik was going with it but I’m now looking at things in newly shed light. I don’t particularly like dating. I do enjoy going on dates yes but the act of going through first meetings and first dates gets exhausting. I think I date frequently because I put myself out there and I’m open to the idea of meeting people. I don’t let myself get too absorbed in one person often and I don’t trap myself in the box of dating one type of man. Frankly in the year plus that I have lived here in Portland I haven’t met anyone that has been a good fit for me. Of course there are men that I am interested in and like but for one reason or another things fall off and end and I move forward. With the accessibility of online dating setting up dates is too easy. Meeting someone organically is definitely preferred but rarely am I approached by men I am interested in. On one hand Erik was saying how much he admires the way I go about dating and on the other he was analyzing why I’m single. It has been brought up to me on multiple occasions that I write people off too easily. In my reasoning I simply end things when I feel they are not the right fit, it seems like obvious and reasonable logic, yes? If I feel something is missing then something must be missing. He mentioned that maybe I am dating the wrong pool of men which could be true, though I feel like I date a wide variety of men. I don’t know …Honestly, I am not sure how to approach this subject and the thoughts I have fumbling around in my head. I’m thinking about things I haven’t thought about before which is refreshing so there’s that.
I’ve been doing a bit of research into Foie Gras this morning. The humane treatment of geese and ethics surrounding foie gras is in no way a new topic of discussion, Chicago outlawed it at one point and California had a temporary ban on the sales and production of the food that was only recently lifted. Working for a company who so completely backs the sustainability of food I tend to think about what I eat and where my food is coming from often. There is that running Portlandia joke referencing the couple who wants to know everything about the chicken at a restaurant before they order it for dinner that I now find myself living daily- and while funny yes, it is a certain aspect I love about living in Portland. Many restaurants care and have real relationships with their farmers and suppliers.
“Rely on nature for solutions and answers rather than imposing on nature for solutions.” – what a powerful message.
We can choose how we consume food and with that change the way food is procured, produced and sold.
After watching a great Ted Talk on a Small farm in Spain I was left with the thought “If you treat life well, life will treat you well”. I think this applies to so much more than my initial thought that by treating your livestock exceptionally they will yield an exceptional product. I think this thought can penetrate into the way we treat life as a whole. Smile, be kind to neighbors, exude positive thoughts, be love and life will return love and goodness to you. Take care of your body and your body will take care of you. Take care of our planet and our planet will take care of us “Stop treating the planet as if it were some sort of business and liquidation”. We all need to slow down and make more conscious choices about the food we eat, the way we treat one another and the way we treat our planet. Not that this is news to anyone but I felt the need to reiterate this afternoon.
Treat life well and lie will treat you well …you get what you give.
I have a beer to drink and not much else going on right now.
While sometimes drinking ignites deep thoughts and valuable words, currently that is not the case- I am just a bit drunk.
I would first like to mention how adorable my dog is. That is all on that front.
Hmm. I have words to say but they are not interesting so I will end this abruptly and very unfinished. Whoops. I’ll be back later
Life has settled down and the ease that I feel so wholly seems to have snuck up on me. I have found some quiet and for more than a moment. Breathe. Listen. Breathe. I have such an open heart this morning.
Spring is my very favorite time of the year and while it is still an entire month away the cherry blossoms blooming convince my soul otherwise.
I’m sipping some Saint John’s Wort tea with local honey to help with my allergies, my dog is asleep in my lap as I type and I’m stealing glances out the window at the beautiful view of Portland. Cranes in the distance remind me of Seattle. As peaceful as I am, as appreciative as I am for this stillness, I am craving more mental stimulation. There is more and I want more. My brain feels a bit asleep. …Maybe a book. I should try reading a book.
Today feels too lovely to interrupt with a shift at work, I’m not ready for the pace I’ll be forced into. I want to take my time and suck up every ounce of every beautiful moment. People don’t like waiting for anything- especially food. Meh.
Hiding somewhere in my head is an intriguing thought, something worth saying, something worth writing and thinking about. Dusty but golden. I foresee a bottle of wine, a book of poetry, and night of writing filling my Sunday.
This weather is simultaneously delightful and worrisome. Being able to wear a tank-top and have my windows in my home open in the middle of February anywhere in the pacific northwest is amazing me but I stall try to enjoy it and not ponder too much on what this weather means globally. I am just starting to really unpack after moving a week and a half ago. It will be nice to finally feel like I am no loner living out of boxes and suitcases and storage units. I moved to Portland, Oregon November of 2013 it’s only now that I have a room of my own with my things, sleeping in my bed, in my own space. It has been extremely trying not having a home base and I’ve suffered for it. While I was living with John in the apartment on 82nd I had always considered that apartment to be ours; it wasn’t mine but it was ours and that was something. I was not on the lease and he paid the rent but I made the unit a home, and regardless of how anything might seem I played an equal role in our year long relationship . It seems though that John never felt of anything as ours and I think a part of me always felt a bit out of place there and with him ultimately. When I lived on Glisan for the summer I felt a bit of self sufficiency and the start of being on my own in this city. I had started to dig my heels in and carve out a niche for myself but with an abrupt change landed right back on 82nd and this time in an apartment that was once an “ours” and now very clearly “my ex’s” seeing it through new eyes was very confusing and completely uncomfortable. Moving in with an ex boyfriend – this I can confidently NOT recommend to anyone. My stay there, while immensely appreciated, was purposely made difficult and my transition to moving into a new place found me ultimately homeless and sleeping on couches. Thank goodness for the wonderful support team I have who had helped to make my life easier and as painless as possible. I had no doubt that I would be able to work things out for myself but things would have been a lot more difficult had it not been for good people and loved ones. Now I’m going to brag about my beautiful new home. I am walking distance to work, I am in an amazing neighborhood, the house is huge and old and beautiful and full of charm and secrets I am slowly discovering each day. I have a hot tub on my front porch and lovely roommates. There was a time I was worried I would end up somewhere sad out of desperation but now all I can think about is settling in, sunbathing in the summer, planting a garden in the spring and pickling fruits and veggies. I so badly want to be bitter about circumstances and actions that have brought me to today but how can I be bitter when I am so thankful? I accept your apology. I’m not sure how I ended up in the tornado that was my life the last six months but I am happy to watch the dust settle around me. I love Portland and now I can love it with all of me rather than the pieces of myself I was grasping to hold on to. Hello.