Chest mantra and repeat.

I am trying to type while my dog is laying across both of my arms …

So thoughts for today yes?
I’ve been somewhat in my own head recently and I have this building anxiety due to the busy few weeks ahead of me. I have however had a few conversations recently that have done me so well. It’s vital to my happiness to be able to have conversations that stimulate my personal growth, to have conversations that make me really think, that make me a bit uncomfortable. There is something that can feel stagnant about comfort. I have been looking inward and reflecting on how I see myself and the worth I place on my being. I have thought a lot on what kind of love I deserve and why at times I have a hard time accepting the love and affection I am showed. I think there is a difference between what you think you deserve and what you actually feel comfortable accepting, this is something I have been working to resolve within myself. I have some growth to do that I was not aware of until recently and it feels good to know that. Feeling a deeper sense of self awareness is always wonderful- even those harsher moments of realization accompanied by tears.

Yesterday I was asked the question “What do you think your ultimate calling in life is?”. It was a welcome question but I was taken aback; I was at work and was too busy to really think of a proper response … 18 hours later and I still lack an answer. I feel okay not having a calling in life yet or not feeling aware of having one, some things need to be presented to you and not sought out. I don’t feel I have been gifted with that awareness of purpose yet. I am open and trying to be more open each day. I welcome the future, I welcome the life ahead of me. I will accept the love and accept the challenges I will face.

In other thoughts- I want to read a new book, but what kind or book? Hmmm.

Love deep down into your roots

“An old man is an Island, this I know. Can’t you see that maybe you were an ocean when I was just a stone? So here we are”

I may or may not have cried while on the phone with my sister, publicly at a bar.
This evening family issues were brought up which made me realize how easy it is to focus on your own personal trauma that you forget how that trauma has affected others. You try so hard to escape that trauma, learn from it, and move forward from it without it compromising who you want to be as a person and the life you want to live. You get so wrapped up trying to be bigger than your history that you sometimes forget everyone else is struggling with their own history of issues and traumas.

A particular person and event that has left me struggling to move forward in life has affected my whole family. (I say left me struggling not because I feel stuck in this struggle but because it has been a struggle in my past and because it is something I must continue to be aware of.) I am aware of scars inflicted on my loved ones by this person but I was never and am still not fully aware of how deep those scares reach. I got so caught up on how I needed to deal with my issues that I overlooked the struggles of my younger siblings. I tend to deal with intense hurt by detaching from it, I am aware of this and I am aware that it is not a particularly healthy way to deal with issues but regardless that is my nature and I manage. Without drawing this out too much- I was informed tonight that one of my younger siblings has a lot he has yet to deal with emotionally from the backlash of this particular person from our past. It hurts my heart to hear how he is hurting, to hear how he was hurting when this man was a present in our lives and to know how much blame he lays on others for every ounce of hurt he holds inside of him.
There has to come a time when we stop placing blame and just own that we are reponsible for your own happiness. Life is hard, sometimes it takes more than just our own will to change it but we have to take action and we have to take responsibility for ourselves.
I hope my brother realizes how much love and support he has around him. I hope he realizes that he is not just the sum of his past and that he can craft a future of happiness. I hope we are able to see our potentials and the great towering trees of people we are capable of becoming in this vast forest of others. Don’t dwarf yourself.

Is it terrible knowing that I usually get my way if I want to? I feel like a cunt saying that but I imagine it won’t last forever so I’ll take it while I can.

All the feels

I watched something this morning that made me cry. I cried the best kind of tears, the kind of tears you cry when you are overwhelmed with empathy, empathy for humanity and for those moments of realization that we are all deeply connected.
I cried several times and the last bout of tears came from feeling that if nothing else in this world is good or whole or inspiring that the love that this seven year old girl had for her mother was enough to make life beautiful.
I have so many feelings and so many words I want to share about this project I stumbled upon. It is so moving, honest, human.
My house is full of roommates and guests at the moment- A chef, a yoga instructor, the best puppy, a mentor, and a man in the process of hiking the entirety of the Pacific Coast Trail- we are collectively cooking a sweet potato hash for lunch or a very late breakfast for some. In this moment my heart feels full.
The noise and bustle of the house is a bit distracting to allow me to express myself as I would currently like to. I feel very inspired but I don’t want to half ass an entry here so for now I will leave a link to the website that lead me here.
Enjoy. Cry some tears

For now.

How nice it is to wake up to the sun fighting the cracks of my blinds. A little something about Pacific Northwesterners: when the sun is out we take full advantage of it (this being why we wear shorts when the weather hits 55 or more- sun’s out buns? out life). It seems almost impossible for me to stay in bed or hang around the house when the sun is shining. Yesterday was amazing- I took my dog to the park, laid out in the sun, and then the roommates and I went to the beach with some watermelon and a football and waited for the sun to set. At home Erik cooked us all dinner and we ended the night with a movie.
Today I woke up, made some coffee, and read a little bit of Walden on my front porch before heading to the park for more sun time. I just finished making some quinoa and now I’m just waiting until the very last minute to start getting ready for work.
This entry has nothing much to offer besides a recap of what I’ve been up to, though my reading this morning sparked a few good thoughts and my brain is turning with words waiting to be strung together. I really miss stimulating, productive conversations that lead to growth-  I was just talking yesterday about the importance of people who are able to converse with you in this way. Hmmm.
I feel good about where things are in my life, where I am in the world …I’ll leave with that being said.

attempt- fail

So I am going to attempt this.
Pho never fills you long, I am hungry and short on time before work.

I have a habit of trying to figure people out, to analyze them, read them and put them into a box of sorts. It might be related to control, perhaps that. Labeling or placing someone into a box leaves no room for

Yep, this is not going to work.