.

Hello.
I have a beer to drink and not much else going on right now.
While sometimes drinking ignites deep thoughts and valuable words, currently that is not the case- I am just a bit drunk.
I would first like to mention how adorable my dog is. That is all on that front.

Hmm. I have words to say but they are not interesting so I will end this abruptly and very unfinished. Whoops. I’ll be back later

Let your honesty shine

Life has settled down and the ease that I feel so wholly seems to have snuck up on me. I have found some quiet and for more than a moment. Breathe. Listen. Breathe. I have such an open heart this morning.
Spring is my very favorite time of the year and while it is still an entire month away the cherry blossoms blooming convince my soul otherwise.
I’m sipping some Saint John’s Wort tea with local honey to help with my allergies, my dog is asleep in my lap as I type and I’m stealing glances out the window at the beautiful view of Portland. Cranes in the distance remind me of Seattle. As peaceful as I am, as appreciative as I am for this stillness, I am craving more mental stimulation. There is more and I want more. My brain feels a bit asleep.  …Maybe a book. I should try reading a book.
Today feels too lovely to interrupt with a shift at work, I’m not ready for the pace I’ll be forced into. I want to take my time and suck up every ounce of every beautiful moment. People don’t like waiting for anything- especially food. Meh.

Hiding somewhere in my head is an intriguing thought, something worth saying, something worth writing and thinking about. Dusty but golden. I foresee a bottle of wine, a book of poetry, and night of writing filling my Sunday.
Until then-

NW Savier

This weather is simultaneously delightful and worrisome. Being able to wear a tank-top and have my windows in my home open in the middle of February anywhere in the pacific northwest is amazing me but I stall try to enjoy it and not ponder too much on what this weather means globally. I am just starting to really unpack after moving a week and a half ago. It will be nice to finally feel like I am no loner living out of boxes and suitcases and storage units. I moved to Portland, Oregon November of 2013 it’s only now that I have a room of my own with my things, sleeping in my bed, in my own space. It has been extremely trying not having a home base and I’ve suffered for it. While I was living with John in the apartment on 82nd I had always considered that apartment to be ours; it wasn’t mine but it was ours and that was something. I was not on the lease and he paid the rent but I made the unit a home, and regardless of how anything might seem I played an equal role in our year long relationship . It seems though that John never felt of anything as ours and I think a part of me always felt a bit out of place there and with him ultimately. When I lived on Glisan for the summer I felt a bit of self sufficiency and the start of being on my own in this city. I had started to dig my heels in and carve out a niche for myself but with an abrupt change landed right back on 82nd and this time in an apartment that was once an “ours” and now very clearly “my ex’s” seeing it through new eyes was very confusing and completely uncomfortable. Moving in with an ex boyfriend – this I can confidently NOT recommend to anyone. My stay there, while immensely appreciated, was purposely made difficult and my transition to moving into a new place found me ultimately homeless and sleeping on couches. Thank goodness for the wonderful support team I have who had helped to make my life easier and as painless as possible. I had no doubt that I would be able to work things out for myself but things would have been a lot more difficult had it not been for good people and loved ones. Now I’m going to brag about my beautiful new home. I am walking distance to work, I am in an amazing neighborhood, the house is huge and old and beautiful and full of charm and secrets I am slowly discovering each day. I have a hot tub on my front porch and lovely roommates. There was a time I was worried I would end up somewhere sad out of desperation but now all I can think about is settling in, sunbathing in the summer, planting a garden in the spring and pickling fruits and veggies. I so badly want to be bitter about circumstances and actions that have brought me to today but how can I be bitter when I am so thankful? I accept your apology. I’m not sure how I ended up in the tornado that was my life the last six months but I am happy to watch the dust settle around me. I love Portland and now I can love it with all of me rather than the pieces of myself I was grasping to hold on to. Hello.

You’re out of your league son

I’m better at this game. Don’t play the expert when you’re still a novice. You might be bigger, you might be rational and collected but in games of the heart and burning bridges I’ve crossed more lands and created more ashes than you.  I see you cracking and you sir took one major misstep, I can see your mind turn with worry. Have fun, enjoy what you have now, what you think is fun and what you think is happiness- you know nothing. Spew your threats, you think you have the upper hand? You think you are the one who has been misused? I am calm, I am understanding but I have an arsenal at my disposal and fire is catching. If the time comes when I no longer feel like being a mature caring person… I will burn your shit to the ground.

A sensitive heart is not a weak one and I’m sorry that you have no idea who I am but it makes this so much easier.

Sometimes avoiding feelings is so much worse than dealing with them to begin with. I tend to push certain thoughts or emotions to the back, dusty corners of my mind but times arrive in which I’m forced to face those forgotten bits. Somehow my heart still remembers the pain as if it were fresh, maybe even worse because I was never really ready to face it all.
Seems it’s best to just move on and heal from the start than to wait for the shock and sting of the future. I’m not ready :(

What else is bound to sneak up on me? Too much I’m sure.

A few of my favorite things

Independently owned craft stores playing Bon Iver, Patisseries who make the perfect little french bites, quiet rain soaked streets at dusk, and bus drivers who let you ride the bus for free because your hands are full of some of your favorite things… these are all precious reasons I love Portland. ❤

Recycled love

You know how after you’ve dated someone for awhile, time passes and you realize so much of what you had in your relationship was recycled? Fragments of other lovers. All their moves, their moments and so many of yours were the accumulation of lessons and tricks learned from your past. Songs you sing, words you use, the way you fuck, food you eat… so much is just recycled love. It’s funny to realize something you thought was special or just “the two of yours” was so much less than that. One of my exes even reuses the nickname he gave me but replaces my name with hers, how can love seem so special and yet so interchangeable? I don’t say this because I have any hard feelings, I say this simply because love can just be so faded and so depressing at times. Realizing that our relationships and future relationships are never quite “new”, never that special is somehow oddly comforting. I’ve yet to find a person who fits together with me fully, who I love in a way that won’t grow tired but when I do I can promise that the shoes we will wear will start out with holes. Don’t take anything personally.