I can’t seem to begin.
“Change is on the horizon” is a constant thought of mine, I however don’t seem to be headed towards it. I see the change, I want the change, I just must not want the change enough. This past February I was promoted, excitedly so, yet paired with my promotion an old, familiar feeling of depression. I haven’t quite started to really sink into that depression but I can feel it looming and each day that I continue fixed in one spot I feel it creeping closer. I consider myself to be somewhat of a professional when it comes to emotional self care, this is something that has taken continual work, effort, and time, time I now very much lack and in result I ache emotionally. I have more than doubled my work load and my body’s threshold for mental stress is being challenged. Fun leson: I’ve learned in recent months that when deprived enough sleep and proper care your brain just feels drunk. “Weee!” Expect not “weeeee!” because you have a job to do and feeling drunk all day isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Blah. I digress. I suppose what I’m getting at here is that I need to find change. I need to move. I need to suck it up, make healthy changes, seek balance. I need to start, I need to pass go. …or just GO.
Is it much easier to fall in love when you’re younger?
The person I am now has experienced so much more from humans than my younger self. I am more aware now of what humans are capable of, more aware of what maturity looks like, more aware of what painful love feels like and how unhealthy that love can be. Growing to recognize what I want from a partner has also meant learning what I don’t want from one; I find that with age that often means cutting ties with men easily. I have to wonder if younger me would have ignored qualities or feelings that today me runs from? Would younger me have stayed and loved these men? Loved too hard and for too long?
Younger me was not nearly as strong and self aware as the me I am today. I stand by my relationship choices. I stand by the woman I have become. How funny it is though, to think on what younger me would have done.
The main thought to all of these accompanied thoughts is that I am much pickier about who I love or think I could love these days. I am more selective with the men I choose let into in my life. I dismiss people for the smallest reasons. I look at the long term and while I can enjoy a fun short term it will be just that –short. I don’t think this is a negative quality to have but I do think it tends to be a lonelier one, which is okay.
I am and have been aware of how greatly my mind and body are affected by others’ emotions. I almost immediately absorb whatever energy my company is emitting and most of the time I don’t realize this until after the fact. While I know this is something that I do, I tend to be as present as possible in my interactions with others, making it hard to put a sometimes necessary emotional barrier up. Now obviously the energy people carry around isn’t always negative and the positive brought to my world is lovely but the negative that I absorb will present itself not only emotionally but physically. I carry a lot of stress and tension throughout my body, for a plethora of reasons, how to rid myself of this build up created is something I’m only now going to start to look into. My roommate suggests yoga and/or qigong. I typically take a lot of time to myself, I feel writing and painting are hugely beneficial. It’s easy to get bogged down and let my inner struggles hold the reigns to my well-being but I hope by being more aware of the fact that when negative energy is transferred to me it doesn’t just leave my body when I exit the situation this can help me live a healthier happier life.
hgjkaKdanjglsg. I don’t particularly like the way this entry is turning out so I am going to stop and read. ‘Til later.
I am trying to type while my dog is laying across both of my arms …
So thoughts for today yes?
I’ve been somewhat in my own head recently and I have this building anxiety due to the busy few weeks ahead of me. I have however had a few conversations recently that have done me so well. It’s vital to my happiness to be able to have conversations that stimulate my personal growth, to have conversations that make me really think, that make me a bit uncomfortable. There is something that can feel stagnant about comfort. I have been looking inward and reflecting on how I see myself and the worth I place on my being. I have thought a lot on what kind of love I deserve and why at times I have a hard time accepting the love and affection I am showed. I think there is a difference between what you think you deserve and what you actually feel comfortable accepting, this is something I have been working to resolve within myself. I have some growth to do that I was not aware of until recently and it feels good to know that. Feeling a deeper sense of self awareness is always wonderful- even those harsher moments of realization accompanied by tears.
Yesterday I was asked the question “What do you think your ultimate calling in life is?”. It was a welcome question but I was taken aback; I was at work and was too busy to really think of a proper response … 18 hours later and I still lack an answer. I feel okay not having a calling in life yet or not feeling aware of having one, some things need to be presented to you and not sought out. I don’t feel I have been gifted with that awareness of purpose yet. I am open and trying to be more open each day. I welcome the future, I welcome the life ahead of me. I will accept the love and accept the challenges I will face.
In other thoughts- I want to read a new book, but what kind or book? Hmmm.
“An old man is an Island, this I know. Can’t you see that maybe you were an ocean when I was just a stone? So here we are”
I may or may not have cried while on the phone with my sister, publicly at a bar.
This evening family issues were brought up which made me realize how easy it is to focus on your own personal trauma that you forget how that trauma has affected others. You try so hard to escape that trauma, learn from it, and move forward from it without it compromising who you want to be as a person and the life you want to live. You get so wrapped up trying to be bigger than your history that you sometimes forget everyone else is struggling with their own history of issues and traumas.
A particular person and event that has left me struggling to move forward in life has affected my whole family. (I say left me struggling not because I feel stuck in this struggle but because it has been a struggle in my past and because it is something I must continue to be aware of.) I am aware of scars inflicted on my loved ones by this person but I was never and am still not fully aware of how deep those scares reach. I got so caught up on how I needed to deal with my issues that I overlooked the struggles of my younger siblings. I tend to deal with intense hurt by detaching from it, I am aware of this and I am aware that it is not a particularly healthy way to deal with issues but regardless that is my nature and I manage. Without drawing this out too much- I was informed tonight that one of my younger siblings has a lot he has yet to deal with emotionally from the backlash of this particular person from our past. It hurts my heart to hear how he is hurting, to hear how he was hurting when this man was a present in our lives and to know how much blame he lays on others for every ounce of hurt he holds inside of him.
There has to come a time when we stop placing blame and just own that we are reponsible for your own happiness. Life is hard, sometimes it takes more than just our own will to change it but we have to take action and we have to take responsibility for ourselves.
I hope my brother realizes how much love and support he has around him. I hope he realizes that he is not just the sum of his past and that he can craft a future of happiness. I hope we are able to see our potentials and the great towering trees of people we are capable of becoming in this vast forest of others. Don’t dwarf yourself.
Is it terrible knowing that I usually get my way if I want to? I feel like a cunt saying that but I imagine it won’t last forever so I’ll take it while I can.
I watched something this morning that made me cry. I cried the best kind of tears, the kind of tears you cry when you are overwhelmed with empathy, empathy for humanity and for those moments of realization that we are all deeply connected.
I cried several times and the last bout of tears came from feeling that if nothing else in this world is good or whole or inspiring that the love that this seven year old girl had for her mother was enough to make life beautiful.
I have so many feelings and so many words I want to share about this project I stumbled upon. It is so moving, honest, human.
My house is full of roommates and guests at the moment- A chef, a yoga instructor, the best puppy, a mentor, and a man in the process of hiking the entirety of the Pacific Coast Trail- we are collectively cooking a sweet potato hash for lunch or a very late breakfast for some. In this moment my heart feels full.
The noise and bustle of the house is a bit distracting to allow me to express myself as I would currently like to. I feel very inspired but I don’t want to half ass an entry here so for now I will leave a link to the website that lead me here.
Enjoy. Cry some tears
How nice it is to wake up to the sun fighting the cracks of my blinds. A little something about Pacific Northwesterners: when the sun is out we take full advantage of it (this being why we wear shorts when the weather hits 55 or more- sun’s out buns? out life). It seems almost impossible for me to stay in bed or hang around the house when the sun is shining. Yesterday was amazing- I took my dog to the park, laid out in the sun, and then the roommates and I went to the beach with some watermelon and a football and waited for the sun to set. At home Erik cooked us all dinner and we ended the night with a movie.
Today I woke up, made some coffee, and read a little bit of Walden on my front porch before heading to the park for more sun time. I just finished making some quinoa and now I’m just waiting until the very last minute to start getting ready for work.
This entry has nothing much to offer besides a recap of what I’ve been up to, though my reading this morning sparked a few good thoughts and my brain is turning with words waiting to be strung together. I really miss stimulating, productive conversations that lead to growth- I was just talking yesterday about the importance of people who are able to converse with you in this way. Hmmm.
I feel good about where things are in my life, where I am in the world …I’ll leave with that being said.
So I am going to attempt this.
Pho never fills you long, I am hungry and short on time before work.
I have a habit of trying to figure people out, to analyze them, read them and put them into a box of sorts. It might be related to control, perhaps that. Labeling or placing someone into a box leaves no room for
Yep, this is not going to work.