Let your honesty shine

Life has settled down and the ease that I feel so wholly seems to have snuck up on me. I have found some quiet and for more than a moment. Breathe. Listen. Breathe. I have such an open heart this morning.
Spring is my very favorite time of the year and while it is still an entire month away the cherry blossoms blooming convince my soul otherwise.
I’m sipping some Saint John’s Wort tea with local honey to help with my allergies, my dog is asleep in my lap as I type and I’m stealing glances out the window at the beautiful view of Portland. Cranes in the distance remind me of Seattle. As peaceful as I am, as appreciative as I am for this stillness, I am craving more mental stimulation. There is more and I want more. My brain feels a bit asleep.  …Maybe a book. I should try reading a book.
Today feels too lovely to interrupt with a shift at work, I’m not ready for the pace I’ll be forced into. I want to take my time and suck up every ounce of every beautiful moment. People don’t like waiting for anything- especially food. Meh.

Hiding somewhere in my head is an intriguing thought, something worth saying, something worth writing and thinking about. Dusty but golden. I foresee a bottle of wine, a book of poetry, and night of writing filling my Sunday.
Until then-

Tear it down/Build it up. Assess. Repeat

The reason I decided I wanted to start painting was simple; I did not know how to paint well. Granted well is a very subjective word- I had never really picked up the medium and paint was something I wanted to familiarize myself with. I typically dabble in acrylic but recently some free water color paper made it’s way into my life and I was stoked. What’s better than free anything? Free art supplies (and maybe free booze). Other than experimenting with my wine pieces I haven’t used watercolor much. The best way to learn a new technique or medium in my book is to throw yourself into it. Just go for it, dive in and see what comes of the process.
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso.

While painting today I was being very pensive. I tend to treat my life very similar to the way I treat my painting affairs. I don’t think too much about what I am going to do before I do it, I dive in and go with my gut. With the paint I would start something and then completely wash it away- deconstruction that would breed new creation. And. This. Is. My. Life.

Something I so completely enjoy about watercolor is the depth of shades you are able to pull from just one pigment. Something that starts out so deep and rich when diluted can become almost non existent though what I find most beautiful is letting the color just swirl in the water on the paper. Before the paint and water have decided on a shade their entire spectrum is visible in just that small drop of water and I love it. Life like my paint has so much depth, it’s complexities are overwhelming often-  so flow with it, enjoy every shade, each emotion, own your truths. Learn to appreciate your ability to display such an impressive and beautiful array of depth.

I somehow just sighed and whispered “fuck” out of confusion/sadness/life yet followed it with the thought “I’m so happy”. This has been my brain in Portland. I am glad I am here, I am working it all out. I think I will call this collection I am working on “Swallowed up in space”
Good enough words for now.

I just fell in love.

Stupid John Mayer making beautiful music. Born and Raised just won my heart. Ahhhh love :)

So my inspiration to write has stemmed purely from this song alone, I’m not sure what I really have to say but here I am.
“And all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won’t be”
Certain thoughts make their rounds in my head; one particular thought- “Why are we made to feel like we are in a race towards some set destination?” Every now and then someone likes to remind me that I am not on a path that they see fit, that they see as normal and right. Why is it that I should feel guilty or less-than for taking my own way about things? If I want to work as a server for the rest of my life making decent money, having flexible hours, and taking plenty of time to paint and enjoy my passions why should I feel like I’ll have failed somewhere? No, I don’t particularly want to be a waitress forever (by any means) but I also don’t feel like I’m in an inadequate position.
What is the goal, really? Maybe and almost certainly my goal is not the typical goal. I am sure my idea of success is not what the average american envisions. I understand that I may not be living up to my potential, this is where I agree and why I do strive for something MORE. I take my loved one’s opinions to heart and I know that they want the best for me, that is love – but please, keep your worry.
Guilt only suffocates me. I need a happy, healthy head and heart to take me places- which is hard enough to maintain without dragging around the judgement of others. I’ve been feeling much better than I was two weeks ago, I haven’t even had time to realize I haven’t been sad. Step by step.

Seattle fall is settling itself in, it’s welcomed :) – though I am not sure I am ready for the long inevitable stretch of grey. I need to keep my head up and stay productive. I was just mentioning how excited for the winter holidays I am. People can hate on Christmas as much as they want but I love it. Somehow the assholes who get stressed out and pessimistic seem to be dulled by the general cheer and goodwill of other.  …and the lights, I love the lights.

The beginning of my week was spent naked in the Ranier National Forest, bathing in the river and basking in the sun. It was so lovely and wonderful. Nudity and nature- good for the soul. New mantra? ;)
Hmmm. That’s all I have for now.

excerpts

“A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much.”

“Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.”

“She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told”

Original entry here: https://plus.google.com/115694824859958653129/posts/KPncnrEN3x7

With a smile

“Do you ever watch someone who doesn’t know that you’re watching them? An old lady on a street corner, or some kids getting on a bus to school? Well, they stand there and you look, and all of a sudden this flash comes over them, and you know it has nothing to do with anything external, because that hasn’t changed. They just suddenly become realer and more alive. If you look at someone long enough, you can discover their humanity.”

Found this today

…and admittedly have a bit of a crush on a complete stranger. Yea, I’m a creep, it’s okay.

 I could do without the background but his poem is just beautiful and perfect. Thank you random twitter follower, I enjoyed your website and words. Relaxing day today.

…Hmmm :)

A recent e-mail to an unlikely new friend :)

It’s a perfect question. As for my beliefs that is something I am still questioning myself. My boyfriend has a very strong religious background and faith- something I did not grow up with. I’ve been to church, Sunday school, and even spent a summer at Bible Camp when my mom wasn’t able to afford day care. I am thankful for the bit of exposure I’ve had and this last Christmas I started reading the bible a bit more in depth. I planed to look into other religions as well- in fact I am about to watch a documentary tonight about Buddha. Despite my efforts to possibly adopt new beliefs I still hold strong to my own personal spiritual beliefs. I believe it’s ones duty to actively be love. To live life being as kind and loving as your human realities will let you. That by bettering yourself you are bettering the world. It starts with ONE. I firmly believe in supporting love in all forms (homosexuality is something my boyfriend and I strongly  disagree on). We struggle because he can’t seem to respect the opinions I have. He doesn’t think I am open minded enough to Christianity because I am so stubborn headed when it comes to certain things (well most things, I am a Taurus ;) ) mainly my thoughts on sexuality. It seems to just take us in circles. I do believe in a God yet I haven’t settled on what and who that God may be I do pray and I do believe there is a higher power. I believe we all have and are our souls.
Why we are here? Hmm. Loaded yes, but perfect none the less. I suppose the cynic in me would say we are all a part of the circle of life and we evolved like all animals and will die like all animals. I honestly don’t feel we should be buried in caskets- clean us up naturally and bury us 6′ under. Nature will do it’s job. … Yet still I believe in souls. I believe that all living things have a soul and therefor must have a purpose. Maybe we are here on earth as a way to “polish” our souls? To prepare us to become pure enough to move on and be with God. Life is so abrasive, harsh, and wonderful. Maybe we keep being reborn until we learn to “do it right”. I get told often enough that I have an old soul. I believe that. Maybe this life I will do things right. Maybe this time I will learn how to love and BE LOVE.

t&s

I came to the realization a few days ago that I am not doing anything that I find fulfilling. This most likely the cause of slight melancholy and light depression I’ve been feeling. I work- and I work hard, I take care of my boyfriend, the cat, all of the bills and the house when I find the time along with random fun outings and the occasional drink with friends, somewhere in there I take time to keep sane … but that’s it, that is my life. Sounds average enough but I want more. What happened to the “I’ll always have more for me” girl? I used to quote that lyric from Tegan and Sarah often, it really meant something to me. I don’t take more for myself and most of the time I just find I feel tired. I almost applied to a job that would have taken me to Germany for a year. I am quite confident that I would have been hired and confident that I would have thoroughly enjoyed myself. There is still time but I hold back. Like with much in my life I find myself holding back. I get the logic that school should come first but why is it that thinking of committing to four years of schooling and a program scares me far more than moving alone to a foreign country for an entire year? I am not my boyfriend- we are not the same people. He is so many things I value and take pride in and in many ways things I ‘should’ be -but are we destined for the same road? I love that he teaches me to be more strict and shows me what it truly means to have drive, and I admit I do need to “buckle down” so to speak when it comes to certain aspects of my life. He is logical but I want him to understand ME, what makes me push forward -because it sure as hell isn’t the idea of having the security of money, an early retirement , or a lucrative job under my belt. I know whatever I chose he will support me, this is how I know he is a good man and this is why I am with him. He loves me unconditionally and wants only the best for me.
…but still I find I want more. Call it greed,  call me crazy or picky or a hopeless romantic but I want someone who understands why I would want to drop everything and live out of my element for reasons other than travel and culture. It’s deeper and it’s embedded in me like art.

I thought seriously about going back to school for biology and genetics but opening my newest issue of Blue Canvas (the first issue I have had in a long while) I know it’s art that my heart belongs to. And maybe Art is all that has my heart at the moment.

I want a breezy complex love. I want to take more for me.

“I need some meaning I can memorize”

Wish I was here to say more but I can feel I won’t last. Too tired.

Certain pictures are really resonating with me this evening. Can something REAL resonate please?
New book, new poetry, NEW TATTOO, new conversations. Yes?

I am feeling quite sexy being a woman tonight. Random but quite nice. I might be just sitting on the couch in my work clothes watching the soup but hey, I’ll take it.

MAD TO LIVE

SUNDAY

My place looks so festive and warm and just lovely. Good Laughs with family, cleaning and decorating and best of all finally painting.
I have had this idea since summer- living in the apartment I do however I have no real space to paint. It has been dreadful! Painting calms my soul – I love being in it. Blanket laid out on the little kitchen floor, pack of brand new brushes (seeing as all my supplies are in the basement of an ex’s pffft) I made it work and as always it felt wonderful. I am not in the mood to write at the moment but I wanted to put in the effort.
I am craving company just so I can show off my pretty Christmas house. :)

LUSH