Well, here I am.
I’m not sure that this entry will take me anywhere, though I desperately need it to.
I’m feeling rather stagnant again at this time in my life. I haven’t let myself get too down on life but today I found myself very melancholy. I feel stuck, trapped even and it is making me stir crazy. I don’t feel like griping about why or the reasons surrounding my current situation but I tell you this- it is less than ideal. (Though I will add that I am very thankful.) I don’t plan on staying back in Seattle long yet I do need to lay some groundwork for my next move. I think I have a plan sparked but the plan somewhat terrifies me; soooooo, we’ll see how that goes. I said today that “my life sometimes feels like a joke …and then I remember I am awesome”. I know my potential but oh how I love to somehow self sabotage!
AND this is it for today, the house is now stirring with people and noise and is not conducive for writing.
Til later
“For when this War of a Woman meets this
Machine of a Man, we will storm through the
Ceremonies and baptize each other in the
Honey rich lather of the chance that we
May never grow to hate each other.”
…besides that- today was WONDERFUL. I haven’t been so happy in quite awhile. Today was why I moved down to Southern Oregon.
I’m getting into my head all of a sudden. The closer it gets to Friday the more anxious and nervous I get. I haven’t worried much at all this whole wait and now …three days to go and I am slightly freaking out. o.o
Sometimes I look back on someone and think “Wow, I used to find them SO attractive” …but then after time, after getting to know the realities of a person, Ill revisit their face and the beauty has started to fade- or maybe it’s just that someone new came along and blew everyone else out of the water. :)
…”when one finds new infatuation, the other one on the losing end gets scarred and after a few times of getting burnt will begin to actively destroy or sabotage Love in the nascent stage when it occurs in the future, in an effort to avoid the past painful feelings associated with Love gone wrong or to avoid feelings of vulnerability and/or to maintain control — in essence to not surrender to Love.”
I don’t want to be walled off. I hope I can keep this in mind and avoid keeping others at a distance. I remembered back to writing my last entry when reading the above quote, I hope I know the difference between cautious and closed off. I think I do.
I had a TERRIBLE headache last night. It was not pleasant at all. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything but I have a feeling everything I have to say tonight will just be random bits of thoughts like this.
I don’t know if it’s the warmer weather, having a new job, or finally just getting used to this new state of mine but I feel much better than I have in previous months. January, February and half of March were very hard for me. I’ve managed to (almost) make it through April, my birthday is just around the corner and there were times I questioned if I would make it to my 26th year. I’d like to think deep down I knew I would get through the rough patches this past year brought but if I am being completely honest I know some days that was not the case. I think my depression immobilized me from going through with any serious thought of escape. Admitting to being so far lost is very hard for me, something only a select few people have knowledge of. …Some days I wonder how I fell so hard and deep into that hole- Thoughts I feel I have to ponder so as not to repeat them but I think life is just a struggle. Happiness shouldn’t necessarily be a struggle but I think it is something that I personally have to be active about maintaining. I am the first to admit I am easily overwhelmed, my life needs focus and I need to put in efforts to rise above that feeling of drowning in stress and fears.
I feel a bit in limbo but I am okay with that. It is almost summer and the weather in Southern Oregon has been a beautiful and welcome change. I am trying to take each day one step at a time.
Hmmm. I need the sun to bless my skin with color. I haven’t had the time to lay out on warmer days and my days off have not been windless enough ;)
In 117 hours I get to see a wonderfully amazing beautiful face and I can hardly wait! Friday will be so lovely …2:30am Tuesday… that day is going to be a filthy whore. True story. I am still very thankful the distance between John and I isn’t further and worse. 10 hours wretched but it’s driveable. I can deal. He can deal. We can work it out …and it’s just for the summer. Sadly the summer is the BEST season in the Northwest for carefree fun and loving. Booo. Oh well, Portland will be a fun adventure and exploring a new romance in a new city together is something to look forward to regardless of season.
I don’t feel like making dinner. I am getting hungry but I feel like I’ve eaten enough today. I guess I haven’t now that I think about it. Is it bad that I want ANOTHER turkey burger on an english muffin? The muffin was too small for the patty but it was insanely delicious. …Okay, maybe just regularly delicious …but still. I think I’ll do something light. Chicken breast and a cheese stick. I need to buy some veggies. Broccoli sounds delicious right now and I do not get enough vegetables in my diet. Meh. Food get in my belly!
I am off to fantasize about camping with my handsome man. Coffee sounds so much better with him by my side (as do most things :))
My good time song for the past month or so. I love it so:
Trying not to repeat a past outcome.
It only ever so often hits me that things could really suck. (Maybe he was right all along). Either way as I’ve stated before- Worth the risk. If things weren’t worth risking and feelings weren’t worth putting on the line I wouldn’t have put myself in this position to begin with (and now for the second time).
There are things I want to say, feelings I’ve yet to resolve, and sadness I still feel at times. There are things and bits I miss. I didn’t walk away- in fact I pushed, pushed harder than I probably should have. I don’t even remotely regret that.
Tonight I am trying not to set myself up for failure. Things can seems so exciting and look so good from far away yet up close it’s all just a bunch of dots.No real connection between them.
I want a beautiful abstraction, whether it looks like it or not everything just somehow makes sense. Love that ebbs and flows harmoniously.
Blah, I am all over the place and have no real direction here. I decided I wanted to get a slight buzz going tonight. Classy solo wine consumption started about an hour ago. I want a burrito and some grapes (ones that have not been fermented ;) ) I also have to pee. So going to the restroom and walking to Albertson’s is about to happen. Til later. This entry blew.
Soooo
I know I want to write but will anything of substance come of doing so? I feel like no. I am distracted.
I’ve been very introverted since moving down to Grant’s Pass (I deal with depression this way as I assume most do) so I’ve been leaving people out of the loop a fair amount.
I’m not sure there is a whole lot to share
(Ahhhhhh I just noticed my cats have DESTROYED the bottom of my paper lamp!! Assholes!)
___________________
Hahaha, I am only posting this purely to laugh at how far I got into writing. This page was open 24 hours later still unfinished. Awesome.
Found this random bit in a draft. Lovely- figured I’d share:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,
I have started multiple entries that have only made it to drafts or at most a protected entry. Some entries have made their way to e-mails or into conversations but I can’t seem to get a good published and public entry out.
Upside- my nails looks cute -Like stupid “trendy” cute. Annoyingly hard to type and text with them cute. My little sister should be proud.
Maybe I needed this day, maybe I needed the tears I’ve cried these past months. Maybe I needed to want something so bad, to have it dangled in my face (like a sexy little carrot) just to find out it was plastic- and even then ripped away from me. Fuck carrots.
Yuppp, that was the gem I came up with tonight.
Tara- if you happen to read this, I miss you and our conversations. I should probably e-mail you back! Haha :)
