Thoughts of Ophelia

“If you leave
When I go
Find me
In the shallows

Lying on my back
Watching stars collide”

For as far back as I can remember, I have always had an odd connection to drowning. I don’t know that I fully realized how deep a connection until just a few moments ago, there is this pull. It has never been a thought or feeling that scared me, it’s somehow close to comforting. I don’t know that I can explain my thoughts here or make sense of what I am typing but I have this strange feeling that maybe I drowned in a past life. I am aware that sounds fairly ridiculous but I just have this …feeling

Hmmm. Curious.

Beaming

I seriously love Portland. Wholly, happily. Love. There is a chance that I just love my life in Portland but either way I completely love Portland seeing me through this chapter of my life. I have so much gratitude for those who have helped me get to where I am today, whether you are aware or not so many of you have helped me along the way, support, words, money, love, good will …you are all indispensable and so very appreciated. I’m a happy gal. Bright and full and happy. Thank you.

pages

I have to get ready for work soon but I am craving a release of words. I want my words to carry meaning and make an impact but I fret I’ll be useless at the moment. So many thoughts swirl in my head. The past two months have been interesting and trying at times. I have been adapting to change and heartache much better than my usual self would, this somewhat perplexes me. I won’t complain. Portland has been such a breath of fresh air, air that may at times smell of urine but I’ve come to accept that. Yes, that was completely literal and not at all figurative, I once saw a women pee herself on a metro bus. “Keep Portland Weird”?
I feel more comfortable in my skin and my decisions, I feel more capable and more curious. I’ve learned to let go of much and redefine living and coping in a way that excites me. It was liberating to leave behind certain people and aspects of life in Seattle, each visit home reminds me of this. I am moving with forward momentum and it feels nice. Slow. Steady. Nice.
I’ve noticed an ability to openly speak my truths without apology.
It’s funny, part of me wanted to write about something else turning to this blog today and I suppose I have this to say on the subject “Flames that burn the brightest burn the quickest”. The passion I crave in my life can be consuming and I tend to find that passion in the wrong place or maybe just the right places depending on how you view things. I know I will continue to crave this bright burning passion, as I always have- I always will and I am glad to be who I am now, able to cope with the consequences of a heart such as mine. I question myself, my thoughts, motives but through moments of weakness and uncertainty I find resolve in decisions that are not mine to bear. Heartbreak (as this admittedly was) can at times feel crushing but I am not broken today and that is a feat.

I don’t whither when I struggle, I’ve found a peace somehow and I cannot wait to find a new apartment and a tiny new step for myself in this city.

Portland, I love you

Seriously having the best Portland day ever. Solo and still a bit sick at that.  It’s been in the mid to upper 80s and sunny all day today and I may or may not be on my way to day drunk, judge me if you will but at least I’ve been drinking great micro beers and even better French wines.  So far I’ve accomplished two crossword puzzles,  seen a homeless man sing “A Whole New World” to two drunk men, witnessed one of said drunk men steal and eat a tomato from a lovely little bistro- along with a flower that was then given to me.  Received a kiss on the cheek that was not granted and am now waiting to watch a movie at the Laurelhurst Theater for the first time (a movie that I was ID’d for …Thank you? ), they serve beer and pizza and veggie wraps- ingredients all organic and sourced locally. I’m extremely happy. Life, I love you today.

Tear it down/Build it up. Assess. Repeat

The reason I decided I wanted to start painting was simple; I did not know how to paint well. Granted well is a very subjective word- I had never really picked up the medium and paint was something I wanted to familiarize myself with. I typically dabble in acrylic but recently some free water color paper made it’s way into my life and I was stoked. What’s better than free anything? Free art supplies (and maybe free booze). Other than experimenting with my wine pieces I haven’t used watercolor much. The best way to learn a new technique or medium in my book is to throw yourself into it. Just go for it, dive in and see what comes of the process.
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” -Pablo Picasso.

While painting today I was being very pensive. I tend to treat my life very similar to the way I treat my painting affairs. I don’t think too much about what I am going to do before I do it, I dive in and go with my gut. With the paint I would start something and then completely wash it away- deconstruction that would breed new creation. And. This. Is. My. Life.

Something I so completely enjoy about watercolor is the depth of shades you are able to pull from just one pigment. Something that starts out so deep and rich when diluted can become almost non existent though what I find most beautiful is letting the color just swirl in the water on the paper. Before the paint and water have decided on a shade their entire spectrum is visible in just that small drop of water and I love it. Life like my paint has so much depth, it’s complexities are overwhelming often-  so flow with it, enjoy every shade, each emotion, own your truths. Learn to appreciate your ability to display such an impressive and beautiful array of depth.

I somehow just sighed and whispered “fuck” out of confusion/sadness/life yet followed it with the thought “I’m so happy”. This has been my brain in Portland. I am glad I am here, I am working it all out. I think I will call this collection I am working on “Swallowed up in space”
Good enough words for now.

Weddings out the bum

this doesn’t need to be an entry, I was just using wordpress rather than lame notepad since Microsoft Word has been wiped off my laptop. This could be much better but it’s not a speech or anything just a blurb for something wedding related.
Might as well post it for the sake of an ‘update’

I remember the first day I met Amanda, I was sitting at the bottom of a stairwell anxiously waiting to see and hold her, then there she was, wrapped in a tiny, soft blanket- my baby sister. Twenty one years have passed now and with every passing day I grow to love and appreciate her more. I remember when Amanda was young and her sister and I admitted to being too tired to keep playing ‘Cats and Dogs’, she would run screaming to mom and dad “sissy’s are being mean!” us older girls would get yelled at of course to be nice and that “she’s the baby” it made us so mad! I don’t know why that memory sticks out in my head but I find it hilarious, I had no idea back then that that seemingly spoiled little sister of mine would turn out to be such a beautiful, smart, loving, and humble woman.
Growing up in the Seattle area I wasn’t always there to meet Amanda’s boyfriends through the years and would try to keep up with her ever changing heart but I do remember the day I was finally able to meet Riley. I remember thinking to myself how impressed I was at how he interacted with our family, how he fit right in, and the way he took care of Amanda. Riley has always done everything in his power to make sure Amanda is happy and loved. Through the years both Amanda and Riley have learned a lot about each other and relationships, through trials and tribulations their connection has always led them back to one another and now rather than teens infatuated they are adults in love and ready to commit to joining their lives forever. Amanda has so much love and grace to give and I know in my heart Riley would move a mountain for my baby sister, he is a driven and dedicated man worthy of her giant heart. I am overjoyed that these two have found happiness in each other’s arms and a home within each other’s souls. I cannot wait to see them on their journey as husband and wife and continue to give them my love an support throughout their lives. To many happy years and smiles and dancing sprinklers. I love you

I need to learn to meditate and is the world going to shit or is it just me?

So I’m sure I’ve talked about this before in past entries and with friends in conversation but I tend to struggle with “natural vs medicinal” when it comes to my health.
I can’t quite put my finger on it but I have had such an ominous gut feeling lingering about lately- globally and personally I worry about health. I worry not just on a physical level but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. A large part of me believes strongly in the power of thought. I try to push negative thoughts and feelings aside but as I am sure everyone can agree, doing so can often be difficult. I would not say I am a “germaphobe” but with the amount of public transportation taken as well as the personal contact with strangers my boyfriend and I go through daily I definitely worry more than I used to. There is only so much a glove can protect from- what happens when warm weather sets in?! I refuse to be the weirdo in the medical mask and latex gloves ridding the blue line downtown!
Germs aside, this entry wasn’t prompted by a bus ride, handshake, or the fact that my nose is running to Peru right now. I have an acquaintance who at 24 years old was diagnosed with cancer and epilepsy. She had a large brain tumor and was given only a very short time to live. She has since decided to give up on western medicine and in turn opts for holistic practices- marijuana oil, tuning forks, a raw diet, reiki etc. to help with her now sizably smaller tumor.  I won’t get into telling her story, I don’t know it well enough nor is it my story to tell but while visiting her YouTube channel today I very much contemplated my lifestyle.
This gut feeling I can’t seem to shake has me thinking of war, outbreaks, loss of love and life in general. I can’t explain my worry exactly but I feel like a change is needed. (Oh hey someone who thinks the world could use change!- that’s a new idea.)
I had thoughts of gardening and sustainability, being able to REALLY take care of myself. I don’t want to have to check labels and worry about what is in my food and where it has been. I also don’t want to have to worry about my future children getting polio because someone thought it was a precious idea to ignore science and reason and not vaccinate their cloth diaper wearing, home birthed babies. Okay, okay- to be straight I actually fully support and am all about home births and cloth diapers but anti-vaccers really bother me and it’s a hot button of mine. I feel like I am taking two sides of an argument here and it may seem confusing …and it is really. I’m not sure where I am going with things.

I suppose this is what I am thinking- we could all live a little more organically, become more self reliant and seek some accountability BUT to an extent. Nothing is good in extreme. I don’t think because you want to live more organically that science should be ruled out- saying no to artificial coloring is one thing, saying no to vaccinations is another.

Well this certainly has become a mess of an entry. Between not knowing exactly where I stand on an idea and being passionate about another mixed with my already random thought patterns I have ended up with this thrown together bit.
To get back to where I intended to start, I wonder how much a significant change in diet and lifestyle would really effect my overall health. Would I still struggle with depression and anxiety as I do? In the grand scheme of things will I be much better off than I already am? I am still going to die. Maybe that coffee I bought from 7-11 is going to kill me faster. I suppose I just don’t want to make a change after the fact. I don’t want to realize how amazing eating a homegrown diet could be for my health after I have been diagnosed with something life threatening.

gajg.kjdgka fuck. I hate this entry so much. I give up.
Also- I worry technology, having a cell phone, and staring at a screen for hours could also be killing me.
…and my thoughts about things killing me might be killing me. Jesus. I hate my brain sometimes. Shut off.

I need to learn to meditate. I think that would do me wonders.

I’m mostly here to vent because wine and girl talk are not accessible to me.

Can I just say how extremely annoying it can be to have to deal with man – a “more rational” being?
That seems like a fairly obvious statement and I’m sure I could get a few “Amen!”s out of any crowd but REALLY.

I have such a smart, logical, and very rational boyfriend and dammit it can be incredibly frustrating being an emotion wielding woman around him.
Last night I was upset, I wanted to have sex I won’t get into reasons why I was upset but they were slightly hormone (with alcohol on the assist) induced. We never really fight, we argue every now and then and that is about it when it comes to any turbulence in our relationship. So regardless of the short argument I ended up crying (because I am a cry baby, no shame in my game…err, lack of game?) at this point I am no longer really upset about what prompted the argument but more so upset that my boyfriend just goes right to sleep. There was no attempt to fix things, no attempt to console me, no talking about things- he was content to just fall asleep while I cry. Rude! Well at least that’s how I felt and feel. A little concern would have been nice.
This morning he left for work,on the way out he gave me a kiss and told me to have a nice day- the usual. I get a text on his lunch break asking how I was feeling, I say good and we message a bit, I didn’t want to have last night hanging over our heads, so I ask if he was mad about the night before. I apologize, say I overreacted and  that I want him to have a good day and be happy. In reality I am still a bit upset about how the night ended but would rather just move on make our peace. I mentioned how nice of a day I had with him yesterday and didn’t want anything to take away from that.
And then he says this:
“I won’t talk to you when you’re like that anymore. I wasn’t content but I wasn’t going to engage you acting that way.”

First off let me say “acting that way”- yes I overreacted to the situation but overreacted as in I probably could have just ignored things rather than bringing them up and having any feelings at all. I was by no means acting irrational, throwing a fit, or any other crazy behavior a woman can chose to display when she gets into a fight with a man.
And second – RUDE! I do not need to be talked to like I am a child, I found that text to be so very condescending and patronizing. Not cool.
I get it, I was upset and emotional and there wasn’t much our fighting was going to do to resolve things so sleep would seem the logical thing to do but I’m not always thinking logically. Sometimes I am upset, sometimes I cry and sometimes having a boyfriend who isn’t so composed and “rational” would be nice. I was being an emotionally driven woman- just make me feel better, I can guarantee it would be in both of our best interests.

I suppose that is all I have to get off my chest. I’m sure a much more productive talk will take place when he gets home rather than trying to accomplish anything via text while he is at work. John is usually right in how he handles things and I think that is what makes things all the more annoying. I don’t want to be the one who was wrong but a little more of “Happy (live-in girlfriend), happy life” would be nice now and then haha.