“Indulge in lust a little, and like the child it grows apace.
The wise man hates it therefore; who would take poison for food?
Every sorrow is increased and cherished by the offices of lust.
If there is no lustful desire, the risings of sorrow are not produced, the wise man seeing the bitterness of sorrow, stamps out and destroys the rising of desire….”
- FO-SHO-HING-TSAN-KING 852-854
I feel like all my thoughts here flood towards my last serious relationship- a relationship embedded deeply in lust and desire, lies and sorrow- definitely sorrow. I can’t help but relate lust with addiction.
Part of me finds sorrow to be a beautiful part of life so I suppose that would conflict completely with Buddhism.
This is all I have to say for now. I am being lazy
“The best scenery is nought-to-see–
That is the Mind-Essence if Illumination.”
- HUNDRED THOUSAND SONGS OF MILAREPA
“You cannot find Buddha nature by vivisection. Reality cannot be caught by thinking or feeling mind. Moment after moment to watch your breathing, to watch your posture, is true nature. There is not secret beyond this point.”
- SHUNRYU SUZUKI: ZEN MIND , BEGINNER’S MIND
“In the same way that someone in the midst of a rough crowd guards a wound with great care, so in the midst of bad company should one always guard the wound that is the mind.”
- SANTIDEVA; BODHICARYAVATARA 5.19
My mind immediately took me to an unexpected place with this quote. While I get the metaphor here and agree that I must guard my mind from negative energy and bad company I couldn’t help but think I should be careful as not to BE that bad company. I have been feeling so very up in the air and distressed recently (and not so recently) I know that my mindset and poor moods have been reflected in my attitude. It’s hard to put myself in check when I am not taking any medication to help balance my anxiety and depression. One day I hope to be able to find balance on my own, medication only does so much, but at the moment (unmedicated) everything easily becomes overwhelming and I would love to be back on something to assist me until I know how to help myself naturally.
Reality is that I will push people out of my life with the wrong attitude. As much as I hope people can love me enough to bare with me through tough times and dark moments I shouldn’t drag people down or take my negativity out on or around them. People will leave and people will start associating me with negativity, stress, and sadness. So today I will think to guard my mind but I will also think to make it so others, the ones I love, do not have to so tightly guard theirs in my company.
I’ve decided to start something here on my blog. I recently, two days ago to be exact, began reading the book 365 Buddha: Daily Meditations and I would like to share those daily words of wisdom with you as well as my thoughts pertaining to them.
I figure this will force me to reflect as well as give me a good reason to write every day.
Being that I started reading this book two days ago I have two days to recap:
The introduction to the book was lovely but something I don’t feel the need to explain. It was short and sweet and I will leave it at that.
“This mind is an uncertain thing. This body is uncertain. Together they are impermanent. Together they are a source of suffering. Together they are devoid of self. These, the Buddha pointed out, are neither a being or a person, nor a self, nor a soul, nor us, nor they. They are merely elements: earth, water, fire and wind. Elements only.”
-AJAHN CHAH; BODHINYANA
I actually have a lot to say on this and it had me turning around thoughts in my head all that day, however I don’t want to focus my energy on the quotes I am sharing today. I’ll be brief with both and for this I will simply state the main questions that came to mind ‘what is our purpose as human beings if we are only elements?’ ‘Do we in fact need a purpose?’
“A fool is happy
Until his mischief turns against him.
And a good man may suffer
Until his goodness flowers”
- DHAMMAPADA 119-120
This reminds me of the Oscar Wilde quote
“The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” Not that these two really relate they just happened to connect for me at the time.
So that is that for now. It is day three and I will start a new entry to continue this project…
Has life been dealing me shit cards lately or have I just been looking at them in the wrong light?
This last week felt like a particularly bad hand- one which left me homeless and donning a horrible hair cut.
I am ready to feel settled, I need to gain some traction and find my footing. I realized the other day that since the age of nineteen I’ve not stayed settled in a single space for longer than a year. I have consistently been on the move for one reason or another for the past seven years of my life and I am coming up on my fifteenth move next weekend. Fifteen moves in 7 years. Jesus.
Since I have moved back to Seattle I’ve yet to form any sort of routine. My life is desperate for some structure and stability, I can’t build on a shifting foundation. It has been awhile since I have really focused my attention on myself- my physical, spiritual, and mental health. I seem to get caught up in the commotion and chaos of a move, a breakup, a new job, something draws my focus outward rather than inward, I need to find a calm in the storm and create some balance.
I have written this blog before, these words are nothing new, journal pages are filled with similar musings and deep discussions have stemmed from these old recycled thoughts. Will this “fresh start” actually lead to something refreshing, will it actually get me anywhere?
-So I’ll try my hand in Portland and see how the city favors me. It’s time to dig my heels in deep, get my hands dirty and start mapping out the mess I’ve made of my head and my heart. I need to build myself a home- whether that be literally or just within myself, I need a calm, safe place to turn to. As for my hair? – it will grow as always and until then I will learn to cope. Yea, maybe lady luck has not been on my side recently but I’m still breathing right? Maybe it’s just a matter of perspective.
Stupid John Mayer making beautiful music. Born and Raised just won my heart. Ahhhh love :)
So my inspiration to write has stemmed purely from this song alone, I’m not sure what I really have to say but here I am.
“And all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won’t be”
Certain thoughts make their rounds in my head; one particular thought- “Why are we made to feel like we are in a race towards some set destination?” Every now and then someone likes to remind me that I am not on a path that they see fit, that they see as normal and right. Why is it that I should feel guilty or less-than for taking my own way about things? If I want to work as a server for the rest of my life making decent money, having flexible hours, and taking plenty of time to paint and enjoy my passions why should I feel like I’ll have failed somewhere? No, I don’t particularly want to be a waitress forever (by any means) but I also don’t feel like I’m in an inadequate position.
What is the goal, really? Maybe and almost certainly my goal is not the typical goal. I am sure my idea of success is not what the average american envisions. I understand that I may not be living up to my potential, this is where I agree and why I do strive for something MORE. I take my loved one’s opinions to heart and I know that they want the best for me, that is love – but please, keep your worry.
Guilt only suffocates me. I need a happy, healthy head and heart to take me places- which is hard enough to maintain without dragging around the judgement of others. I’ve been feeling much better than I was two weeks ago, I haven’t even had time to realize I haven’t been sad. Step by step.
Seattle fall is settling itself in, it’s welcomed :) – though I am not sure I am ready for the long inevitable stretch of grey. I need to keep my head up and stay productive. I was just mentioning how excited for the winter holidays I am. People can hate on Christmas as much as they want but I love it. Somehow the assholes who get stressed out and pessimistic seem to be dulled by the general cheer and goodwill of other. …and the lights, I love the lights.
The beginning of my week was spent naked in the Ranier National Forest, bathing in the river and basking in the sun. It was so lovely and wonderful. Nudity and nature- good for the soul. New mantra? ;)
Hmmm. That’s all I have for now.
I kind of feel like I have disappeared into myself.
I feel as if I have I have just been going through the motions, that I’ve been numb. How did I miss this before? How did I buy into my own veil of (close to) happiness, of …’fine’. I need to sit down and think, really sort myself out. It’s been a long while since I have felt my true self, I can feel it- or more so- I can’t feel it.
A moment ago it just hit me - where did I go?
Something to ponder and resolve in the next few-plus days. I’ll find what I am missing. I am still here.
rereading this- I’m not sure that I can “buy into” a “veil” ? What? I am too tired to find a phrase more fitting. Gah.
Also- maybe I’ve just been off my medication too long- maybe it’s just messing with my head. Damn chemical adjustments. Ugh! Sleepy! Bed!
Because I’ve been diggin’ on Daughter
“Throw me in a landfill
Don’t think about the consequences
Throw me in the dirt pit
Don’t think about the choices that you make
Throw me in the water
Don’t think about the splash I will create
Leave me at the altar
Knowing all the things you just escaped”
This song is beautiful.
Edit: This post had nothing to do with my personal life or feelings. -Maybe on a deep level somehow but this was purely to share my enjoyment of this band :)
“A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much.”
“Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.”
“She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told”
Original entry here: https://plus.google.com/115694824859958653129/posts/KPncnrEN3x7
“We sit at the beach watching an orange flaming sky, the ocean a mirror reflecting the mountains on the horizon. We talk about stuff; nothing much. But it feels like we are telling each other secrets. Everything we say feels like that – whispered, tender, full of other meanings, like when you tell someone a dream. Listening to you feels like that.”
This was in my drafts … I don’t know who wrote or said this. Hmmm.